Sunday, October 21, 2012

6 Days

It's been 6 days since I found out the news that I had lost the tiny baby inside my body. Words can not even come close to describe the feelings I have experienced. So many things in life cannot be understood until you experience them - and this is one of them. And that is biblical -2 Corinthians 1.
I understand now what others went through before me - and how much I didn't understand when they were going through it. It's a sort of grieving/mourning something that you never actually had which is hard for others to understand.
The last 2 days I think have been the hardest. The finality of my baby has been harder to accept and dwell on even than the first news of what was happening. How am I supposed to move on? How do I just go about my schedule and daily life now after having experienced this grief? How do I go about my relationships  after something like this happens?
I know that it will get easier with time and I cannot wait for the day that this is easier. But at the same time i don't want it to get easier, I want to always feel this deep grief for my baby and to not forget a single feeling that I have.
One thing I have thought over and over the last few days is how much my children are a gift from God. I had taken for granted the fact that I got pregnant so easily with each of them and that I have two healthy boys. B/c ultimately God chooses exactly when I get pregnant and he chooses whether I get to live with my babies or not. So I have gained an entirely new appreciation for my 2 boys.

How can one experience such sadness  grief and pain but at the same time experience such peace and love and grace? The only explanation I can offer is that I have a God who is ordaining my path and who loves me and is pouring out grace on me. I have never been more thankful that this God reached down to this sinner, offered me forgiveness and made me his daughter and now is with me and walking with me through this path bestowing grace, peace and love.

This is a path that clearly God has chosen for me and I will always have this as part of my story. I will never forget this baby and I will live every day thinking about it.

Here are portions from a Psalm that I have found very comforting right now!

Psalm 91

1.Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3. Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4. He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5. You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,

9. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10. no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11. For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12. they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

14. “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15. He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16. With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.


doddyj said...

Jess, My heart hurts so much for your pain. I am praying God will give you new comfort today in only the ways He can give.

Trina Mayfield said...

WELL SAID and you expressed the sentiments of all of us mothers who have lost babies so well! But once again, I am thankful that you will now understand exactly what others are going through and you will be able to help more than you even know. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I LOVE YOU!

Our Family for His Glory said...

Your family is so, so precious, as is your heart for God in the midst of deep pain. I'm praying for you!

Mrs. Frogster said...

I haven't checked in in a while and seeing this news, my heart is heavy for you and your family right now! I love that you have found so much peace and love in Him already. I will be praying for you in the days and weeks ahead. - Jeanette

Tim, Kristen , Megan, Emily, and Anna said...

Been praying for you as I think of you.

Lucy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss :( Praying for you all as you find your way through this ... may He strengthen you and keep you in the hollow of His hand :)

Trina Mayfield said...

I love that Psalm! May the Lord be your all in all throughout the good and bad!

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