Saturday, July 20, 2013

Contemplations by the pool

When I think back to my life a year ago this time, and everything we were doing and experiencing I remember joy and happiness and almost an innocence to reality of life. Then I jump to last year September when I found out I was pregnant and the utter joy that brings to a mom. I was so happy and ready to do it all over again. But then shortly after I experienced a deep deep sorrow that mothers' feel when they never get to meet their child, or hold them or kiss them. My heart was ripped apart and I felt I could hardly breathe some hours. It was a long, lonely journey that one can only understand after you've experienced it. But my heart was softened, was tenderized, it was brought to a new sort of dependence on God for strength. It gave me completely new eyes for this whole motherhood journey. It gave me more compassion than I realized I needed.

I remember thinking in those early days - how will

I move on? How will I operate like normal again? I remember wondering what it would be like during this summer for me, would I be ok?

And then Time Went By - here I am, 10 months later, only two months away from the "year mark". God has brought healing and restoration to my soul. I'm still a work in progress but through it all HE IS FAITHFUL.

When I was in the moment of tragedy it was impossible to fathom joy again, to enjoy my days. I wondered if I would ever get there. In the last ten months so much has happened to our family. We went from a grieving family to a joyful one in the anticipation of another child. Which I might add brought on a whole new flood of emotions that I've never experienced before. Work for Richard got really stressful and much has happened with that. We are a growing family in so many ways trying to figure out our place in the "place" God has us in right now. We have experienced a new form of "busyness" that we never knew before. And somehow the intensity of "life" just keeps getting more "INTENSE".

This little blog here, facebook, instagram give such little glimpses into our lives that from the outside is hard to really tell what is actually going on. Or it's easy to misinterpret things.

But I guess what I want to come across in this little post is that life keeps going. In my tragedy I read/listened to other mother's who had experienced loss before me - and longingly wondered if I would ever get to a place where they were. Now here I am, 10 months out, and the wounds hurt less. But I have never forgotten. Those were two fears I had - that the pain would always be unbearable or that I would just move on and forget. But that doesn't happen.
Somehow God bestows grace upon grace - he heals your hearts and holds you with his loving arms. He knows you and cares more about you than you will ever understand. He gave his own son to die for you, so you don't have to pay for your own sinfulness. Life keeps going, new things happen, new joys come again, there are ups, and downs - but in it all - God is constant, He guides you. I have learned that God has a different unique path for each person. Things you experience or challenge you or bring joy to you are different than mine - but ultimately God has a bigger plan in mind of his ultimate glorification - that we will worship Him!
My prayer now is "Lord, please use me, help me to never forget your love. Carry  me through this thing called "life" but let it be worthy of praising you! Let it bring glory to You!"

1 comment:

Trina Mayfield said...

I am so glad to read this post! It really was encouraging to me to hear how you have learned and grown from this difficult experience! Thankful for your growth! We never forget but the pain lessens and life does continue on!! Love you - - -

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