Fall Family Pictures

I haven't had many things to say lately on this here blog.  I know so many are praying for me and our family and I truly feel so loved and supported and cared for. That is like medicine to my Soul and I know it's a gift from God, a tangible way he is showing me that he is my heavenly father and is mourning with me and loves me. I'm thankful for that. Although I still have A LOT of ups and downs - today I feel the most like myself. And I'm capitalizing on that. :) Who knows what tomorrow will be like though b/c it changes from day to day (or minute to minute).

So b/c I feel a little better today - I wanted to write this post that was supposed to go out sometime the week that "it" all happened.
Every year I like to get Fall pictures of our family! I just love the fall and I love to have an updated picture for our Christmas cards. 2 days before the big "incident" (for lack of a better word) we were able to get them done and now I'm so happy. I think they turned out pretty good considering we just had a tiny tripod, a 6 year old tiny camera and a self timer. Take a look for yourselves. :)
These pictures make me so happy and sad at the same time. Happy b/c I remember how excited and joyful we were about the future and that we were anticipating a new baby - and sad b/c of how much sadness has filled my heart in the last almost 2 weeks. :(
I am blessed beyond measure by a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful healthy boys! And I am more thankful than ever right now for them.

P.S. - We also had a taken a picture with the boys touching my poking out belly for an "announcement" picture for my blog later in the week. I can't bring myself to post that one though. :(

He had really wacked his eye the night before these pictures
and you can really see his bruise in this one

6 Days

It's been 6 days since I found out the news that I had lost the tiny baby inside my body. Words can not even come close to describe the feelings I have experienced. So many things in life cannot be understood until you experience them - and this is one of them. And that is biblical -2 Corinthians 1.
I understand now what others went through before me - and how much I didn't understand when they were going through it. It's a sort of grieving/mourning something that you never actually had which is hard for others to understand.
The last 2 days I think have been the hardest. The finality of my baby has been harder to accept and dwell on even than the first news of what was happening. How am I supposed to move on? How do I just go about my schedule and daily life now after having experienced this grief? How do I go about my relationships  after something like this happens?
I know that it will get easier with time and I cannot wait for the day that this is easier. But at the same time i don't want it to get easier, I want to always feel this deep grief for my baby and to not forget a single feeling that I have.
One thing I have thought over and over the last few days is how much my children are a gift from God. I had taken for granted the fact that I got pregnant so easily with each of them and that I have two healthy boys. B/c ultimately God chooses exactly when I get pregnant and he chooses whether I get to live with my babies or not. So I have gained an entirely new appreciation for my 2 boys.

How can one experience such sadness  grief and pain but at the same time experience such peace and love and grace? The only explanation I can offer is that I have a God who is ordaining my path and who loves me and is pouring out grace on me. I have never been more thankful that this God reached down to this sinner, offered me forgiveness and made me his daughter and now is with me and walking with me through this path bestowing grace, peace and love.

This is a path that clearly God has chosen for me and I will always have this as part of my story. I will never forget this baby and I will live every day thinking about it.

Here are portions from a Psalm that I have found very comforting right now!

Psalm 91

1.Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]

 

2. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

3. Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

 

4. He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

 

5. You will not fear the terror of night,

    nor the arrow that flies by day,

                               

 

9. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

    and you make the Most High your dwelling,

 

10. no harm will overtake you,

    no disaster will come near your tent.

 

11. For he will command his angels concerning you

    to guard you in all your ways;

 

12. they will lift you up in their hands,

    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

 

14. “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

 

15. He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him.

 

16. With long life I will satisfy him

    and show him my salvation.”

update

Tonight I'm sad. There's no other way to describe it.
Had blood work done and confirmed what we already knew. Hormone levels were lower than 48 hrs before and dropping pretty steadily. It was nice to get a definitive answer. It's sort of a closure to that part of it.
I'm processing it all.
Nothing is easy about this.
But writing, sharing, talking all helps me work through it.
Everyone processes things differently and no one should place the way they do it as an expectation on you. I have been blown away by the compassion and honesty I have received of other mothers full of help and wisdom during this process.

I have felt very supported throughout all this. Many texts and messages all day long with encouragement and sympathy. That is what helps me heal.
God has completely blessed me with wonderful signs of love through this experience. A wonderful husband, my parents in the states so i can call them often, many people helping with the boys, and reading raw emotion messages and texts from me as I feel different things. Wonderful sisters who let me say anything to them and don't judge me. I have never doubted God's love, and his comfort and care throughout this whole thing. And truly that is only from the LORD. He has protected me from thoughts of doubt and bitterness. That can only come from him. I know many many people are praying for me - even more than I realize probably.

This is not a fun thing to go through, it's not an easy thing in any way. It's hard, tiring, and full of emotions and ups and downs.
But one thing I know - God is constant, He is faithful. I thank him for carrying me through this in a way that can only be explained by a loving God.

I'm sure as I work through this and time passes I will experience many more things. But I'm resting in my loving God's arms and in a community of family and fellow believers who uphold me in prayer.

And here is a picture of my wonderful family, for whom I have never been so thankful for in my life.

Sad news

This weekend I had hopes to tell all of my blogger friends that we were adding another baby to our family. But God had other plans. I'm hesitant in posting about this, but my blog has always been somewhere for me to work through things and find support and comfort. It's also where I want to tell God's story of Grace in our lives through his leading - and this is a circumstance that he has brought into our lives and I want to share it with you all.

I started having some complications earlier this week only being about 5 or 6 weeks along, and saw a midwife. She took my blood and called back later that afternoon and confirmed that my progesterone levels are not high enough to sustain a pregnancy so to lay low and take it easy and let my body do what is natural in the process. I will go back and get my blood drawn again to check for sure - but all signs are not positive.

I'm very sad and experiencing some very raw real emotions. It's not fun and not what I expected either.

Our church body has been wonderful. They've helped me clear my schedule, provided food and childcare for the boys when necessary. I feel love and support from many people. For someone like me that is the best form of medicine for my soul. Feeling loved and that people care and show me that. Letting me be open and talk about it and being understanding. That's how I cope.

I'm sure many more emotions are still yet to come as we work through this.

Overall - I want to stress that I am at peace. I have never doubted God's goodness and His peace and grace have been sustaining me. We appreciate your prayers and concern. I find it rather ironic that October happens to be pregnancy loss and infant loss awareness month!

Please keep us in your prayers to trust in God for his timing, his wisdom, and comfort.

I'll keep you all posted

Oh, you know, just another day at the zoo

Richard parents were here at the end of last week. We had dinner with them on thursday night here in Fort Collins. Then Friday Richard didn't have any work so we had a family day. We drove down to Denver and went to the zoo. I always love going to the zoo, especially when it's free (thanks to Richard's brother and free passes), and I especially love spending time with family.

Here's some fun pictures of our day at the Zoo.

Cutest two boys I've ever seen!!!!!!
For Real - Those overalls are melting me!!

Touching a gross snake

This time the Lions were the big hit
since we've been watching a lot of Lion King

Sad Orangutan

Elephants!!!!!!!!

My love!

We also had a free pass for the Carousel. 

And this was poor Landon. I never would've expected this b/c
he's usually never afraid.
But of course I was dying laughing. :)

The gift from God
A wonderful family!

Why not?

Whenever i tell Carson that we are going to a park, he asks if we are going to the one with the big slide. It's been a couple months now and every time i tell him "no". For whatever reason, either we're meeting someone else at another park, or it's farther away so we don't have time . . . 

Anyways - Needless to say, last weds I used a great opportunity to show Carson that I loved him and desire to make him happy. :) Some days, who am I kidding, ALL days, I feel like I constantly say "no, don't do that; Stop doing that, No we cannot do that or go there today". And I was on the verge of doing that on weds and something made me stop and think about it.  We were going to go to a park nearby for a short time after grocery shopping, but he asked me again - and I thought - Why not??!!! Sure - it's a little farther away - but we can go. He was so happy to be at the park with the big slide and dinosaur bones. :) Glad, for now, his demands are easily met. :)

Did I ever tell you that I love that Fort Collins has so many great parks so easily accessible? It's so great for my two very active boys who live in a small 3rd floor apartment. :)

300 days of Sunshine State

Colorado is known for having like 300 days of sunshine in the year. Which is crazy and wonderful. I love that about the state. b/c the 65 days that it is not sunny are very welcomed. Like I mentioned in a previous post - it's fall here, leaves are changing, warmer clothes are coming out, and fall like activities and smells are coming about. It's a wonderful time of year.

But I think like 20 of the cloudy/rainy/cold/dreary days have happened in the last 40 days. :) it's been so gloomy lately. But like I said - we welcome it. We stay inside more, we regretfully watch a little more tv, and we cuddled and piled up the blankets in the living room.

And he wasn't even sick
just cold and cuddly

Friday  night was a fun family night. A fire, smores, the lorax, homemade popcorn and quilts
can it get any better?
The tv looks like it has a picture of the fire on it! But it's really
the start of the movie ;)

Saturday it snowed!!!!!!!!!

 Saturday it snowed and was freezing - Sunday and Monday were gorgeous fall days in the high 60's and low 70's. ha - funny to me. How in the world am I supposed to keep the kid's clothes organized when some days we need shorts and t-shirts and the very next day we need pants and sweatshirts. :)

I need to get our family pictures done - but I'm having a hard time figuring out a time and place and someone to help us take them. :/ Pretty soon the leaves will be ugly or non existent.

This last picture I had to post. If you follow me on instagram or FB - you saw it alreayd - but it just cracks me up. Landon has always been our accessory child and also our goof ball, so you can just imagine the things he comes up with sometimes. He just looks so goofy. And the funniest thing is that his shirt says, "it's not easy being this cool". B/c Cool is what he is! ha

10 Random Facts Friday

1. Once again, my least read post, but I just love doing it! It's so easy to write down a bunch of random thoughts and not feel pressure to make a whole blog about it all.

2. My wonderful Friend Kara is in town. I met her right after we first moved here. She had just gotten married and they've been traveling quite a bit this last year raising support to be missionaries in the Czech. But in the times they were here at their home church, The Crossing, I have really grown to love her. Every time she's here for a visit we get together. She would drop in random days and spend it with me and the boys, or go to a park with me. I love the company like that. I don't know what it is, but I  just clicked with her. She is genuine, simple, understands another culture (which most american friends don't get that part of me), and Christ literally shines through every conversation with her. She is someone who challenges me to make Christ more central in my life without even trying. She is so wonderful. They leave on Tues to start their life in Czech. WE are thrilled excited and so happy for them. But a part of me is so sad and selfishly wants her to stay here to be my friend every week. Anyways - my heart is so happy for her and so sad for me this weekend.

3. I nanny a tiny baby one day a week for right now - and it's so fun. She is a easy going happy content little baby so that makes it easier.

4. It's so funny how perspective in life changes with experience. I want to be careful to word this correctly b/c I in no way want to downplay the "first newborn" stage for a mother. I do not treat that lightly and it is so hard and difficult and life changing and tiresome and stressful. But after having 2 toddler boys - a newborn is quite simply and easy. Eat, sleep, lay there. Wow! It's sorta  nice change.

5. I also started tutoring 2 highschool senior twin boys in Spanish 3. Yikes am I challenged. You would think it would be easy for me. But have you ever not studied English grammar ever, nothing and then tried to tutor Highschool level grammar? Yeah - it's hard! No one speaks like that or actually uses those forms in real life. I just know if it sounds right. :) I love being in Spanish again, but yeah, I feel stupid b/c they have really hard homework. :)

6. I wish I cared more about politics b/c I don't deny that it's very important and I should know what's going on, but it's so hard for me to put effort into understanding and learning it. UGH!

7. Carson has been potty-trained for a whole year, and this lazy mother for some reason still was putting a pull up on him at nights, for an entire year of him being able to go to the bathroom on his own. Yeah, not a good idea! Now trying to train him at night is like a joke! I think we have seen some progress, but I sure hope it doesn't take a year to train him to not have a pull up on at night. Next kid - no way will I even attempt using a pull up. Right away to underwear at night. :)

8. Carson has started sucking his thumb tons!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People gave me suggestions about rewarding him if he didn't suck his thumb for a certain amount of time with a treat or something etc. His response, "no, I don't want an M&M, I just want to suck my thumb". Me - "well how about a whole handful?",  Carson - "No, I just want to suck my thumb". Me- "well, what treat would you like if you don't suck your thumb". Carson - nothing, I just want to suck my thumb".     HMMMMM - any other suggestions????

9. Carson argues with me that there are 2 gods, not One GOD!!! Yeah - try fighting that one with a 3 year old. He also refuses to pray and doesn't want me to. But I tell him "I like to talk to God b/c he loves me and you and he's my friend, so Landon and I will pray". YIKES! can you please pray for his Soul. And I'm not even joking. Pray that Christ shines through my life so he sees it one day. I keep reading stories of other kids who are so tender to God, and love all things spiritual - and then wonder about my kid. I"m sorta joking b/c we do teach him, and he his learning a little, but sometimes I do wonder. Please don't judge our parenting. I alreayd feel guilty enough that he talks like this and other mothers/fathers boast about how good their kid prays etc. One day hopefully he will be a man of God and I will laugh at this!

10. Its 30 degrees outside yesterday and today - I was not ready for that! But I don't doubt in a couple days it will be back in the 70's so I'm not worried.

Embrace the Camera

I read a post on the huffington post the other day about moms getting in pictures with their kids so that your kids have the memories of you with them. And it also drew out the fact that your own kids don't care what you look like or how heavy you were or anything they just like to see that you were there with them, having fun and loving them. It is so easy to not take pictures of ourselves and focus on the rest of the family. But I love this challenge that she has over at The Anderson crew.

So today - I embrace the camera! ;)