It didn't help that we just finished a bout of stomach flu in this household that confined us more than normal to the house. Don't get me wrong - I've always loved snow, and snow storms and don't mind playing in it or going out in it - but I'm ready to be warm. I'm getting grumpier and grumpier about having to run in the cold too. I know it's my choice - but it's getting more and more difficult to wake up at 6am to bundle up and freeze for a run.
It's also still been difficult for me to deal with the loss of my baby. (but i'm chalking it up to it being february too) I want to share about it here and go into detail - but there are some things that seem so personal and I just don't even have words for my pain sometimes. I've been letting myself feel the emotions again, remembering that week long process, and grief- I feel like it's a way to remember when everyone else moves on. More and more I keep hearing of stories of woman who have had miscarriages but since then have had another precious baby - I feel like they are on the other side - and I so desperately want to be on the other side of this, to have a "happy ending." (although please understand there is nothing that will replace my little baby in heaven) I've always been impatient and I guess it's just another situation I have to learn patience. But it is hard for me when I just have the sad part to tell people.
But I find myself clinging to God's promises more than ever. And he has been faithful through this whole ordeal and I know he will carry me. I remember a friend told me that during the first few weeks of facing the reality that I would never be able to hold my precious baby. I was scared about how to move on and thinking that I couldn't. She said, "The same God that has held you, loved you, and poured his grace on you that first few days when you found out, will be the same God to get you through the "moving on process". Wise words from a dear friend. And I find myself clinging to them as tight as ever. And clinging to a God who loved me enough to give his son for me - so why would he not give me grace through this time.
2 comments:
As I'm sure you know, these times of remembrance will always be there, but they will also change with time, as I'm sure you are experiencing! The memories will be sweeter-which is possible in time! Still praying for you as you continue through the process!
I stumbled upon your blog this morning and felt the need to comment on this post (I am normally a chronic lurker). Years ago, I had two little boys and wanted more children desperately. After infertility treatments, I finally conceived TWINS! We were ecstatic. Then, we lost both babies. I had a hard time allowing myself to grieve. I am very private, so very few people knew. I wasn't comfortable sharing with others. My mother's advice was to "plaster a smile on your face and just move on". Then, my MIL came over with the sweetest sympathy card. She said, "You are mourning the death of two children. If you don't let yourself face and deal with that, you will never be able to give them to God and live past the loss." After I managed to stop sobbing, I was (and still am) grateful for the advice and the permission to grieve. I didn't realize that I was feeling gulty for that need to mourn.
I don't mean to imply that you are having any issues like mine. You sound as though you are thoughtfully choosing healthy ways to face the situation. I just thought, that, sometimes it helps to hear that someone else muddled and made mistake, but still came out the other side with a genuine smile.
We did manage to have another son (through infertility). Then, we were shocked/thrilled to welcome a birthcontrol (for health issues) baby girl! I have been where the loss was fresh and crushing. I still often feel an ache of longing. Somedays, you just hug the kids that are with you, think of the ones that aren't, and give them all to God. Best wishes!
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