Monday, November 5, 2012
What I've learned
I've never been so vulnerable and emotional before this event. And I have learned so much. God has taught me so much about loss and grief and hopefully given me so much more compassion for others.
Sometimes people don't know what to say and I am completely gracious to that fact. But if there is not a way to understand what I'm feeling, just tell me you love me and are feeling the sadness with me.
Sometimes the pain and grief feels discredited when others say things, so be very careful and mostly just listen to what the person needs to say and talk about.
How I feel through this whole thing is that I lost a baby! (not a pregnancy) One of my children will not be with us, ever! Getting pregnant again or being thankful for my two kids will never take away the pain of loss that I feel for one of my very own children. I have a child in Heaven, who is with our King, our loving Father, who understands God and is perfect. Something that is hard for me to even understand or comprehend. I will never be able to hold this child, or smell the newborn smell, or see the smiles or personality of this child.
Never have I questioned God, or his goodness or faithfulness to me, because through this whole process his love and faithfulness has been so evident to me, so clear, clearer than ever before. I don't know why he chose this path for me and I may never - but I want Him to be GLORIFIED through it, I want people to look to him through this process. But b/c of the fallen sinful world we live in - I feel loss and pain!
Something a friend said to me is that God grieves with me, he grieves for my loss with me. He is my father who loves me and hurts with me. That is comforting and I know from experience that is true.
I have put pressure on myself to get back to "normal". Richard was gracious to point out to me that there will have to be a new normal. I have said to him and others that I feel like a totally different person after going through an experience like this, I feel older in some way. So normal will HAVE to look different to me b/c I am a different person now. I learned last week the hard way, that I am not ready to jump into everything yet. Emotionally I am still too vulnerable. I've never been in a place before where I "can't handle" things. But through this experience God is teaching me to be humble, say no to things/people, and relying every day on his strength more than ever.
Everyone says "you can't put a timeline on these things" and even though I feel the pressure for some reason to have moved on by now from it, I do agree - you can't put a timeline on it.
Grief is such a subjective thing and I think everyone needs to realize it. So long as you are clinging to God's word, His character, His comfort and wisdom and leading - Grieving looks different for everyone. I cannot put expectations on myself, comparing me to other's circumstances or how other's handle similar situations. God has knit me with my emotions and feelings - and he allows me to deal with things differently. The psalmist grieved and had sorrow but still clung to God's love and faithfulness. Someone also told me "Talk to God, he is my father and he can handle my doubt and questioning or fears". He is with me! I truly believe he is walking me through this whole process. Some days recently I feel like I have to literally FIGHT for the faith and to FIGHT for his Grace! But HE has ALWAYS been faithful to me even in these recent days - he has always been there for me.
As life moves on and I look to the near future, accomplishing normal household tasks, going to social events, looking forward to holidays, planning things - I cling to God's goodness and kindness more than ever! I look to Him for my comfort b/c He alone understands me fully (he created me who I am). It's not easy, sometimes the thoughts of having lost a child overwhelms me almost to immobility - but with God's grace I take steps forward.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic - but writing things out and documenting things is a way for me to move on, to let go. To get back to normalcy. it's away for me to feel like it's not forgotten so I can move on.
Scripture that has helped me a lot recently among many more!
Psalm 90:14-16 Satisfy us in the Morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to your children.
Psalm 13: 5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD for he has been good to me. (if you read the first part of this psalm the psalmist is questioning God forgetting him, asking how long will he sorrow - but ends it fighting for truth of the LIVING GOD)