Beautiful

As I move along in this life, I've learned a lot through my recent loss. God has completely molded me to a whole new person I feel. I understand so much more about sorrow and peace together.  Sometimes moving on, and going about daily normal tasks is just as hard as the beginning days of the "news". It's been a month now (well officially on Friday, but it has been 4 weeks) and I'm definitely one that remembers time like that. Each month that passes will be hard. I count days and weeks and time like my mom always did. Forever October 16th will be etched in my mind.

It doesn't feel easier to me yet, although to everyone it seems like it is. I go about all my normal daily things but inside I'm different and changed - and continuing on like normal is what makes it hard! I am not naturally an emotional person and don't feel emotion like a lot of my friends do - that is until now. I have been completely (almost) immobilized by my emotions recently. The whole wave of feelings rush over me with memories and pain and emotions so so vivid to me. It's hard to even explain.

I find myself clinging. Clinging to the promises of His goodness and love and faithfulness and sovereignty. They don't seem to be quite as evident now as they were initially - but they are still there. I choose to believe that the God who was with me the week of the miscarriage is still with me now! He is still with me to help me through the daily tasks, the responsibilities I have, the relationships that must carry on. Daily I CHOOSE to believe God and trust in him.

A friend (who has also been going through a similar very hard time almost exactly the same time frame as me. Her blog is here) had this stanza from a song posted.

Oh Grant me wisdom from above,

To pray for peace and cling to love,

And teach me humbly to receive 

The sun and rain of your sovereignty. 

Each strand of sorrow has a place

Within this tapestry of grace;

So through the trials I choose to say:

"Your perfect will in your perfect way." (Stuart Townend)

I think it's absolutely beautiful! I want to dwell on these phrases. I am daily seeking God's wisdom, praying for peace and clinging to his love! I want to always humbly receive both SUN and RAIN of his sovereignty. I love that each strand of sorrow has a place in God's tapestry of GRACE. And I've daily found myself CHOOSING to say "your perfect will in your perfect way! 

I document things like this here to encourage others. But also for my own benefit. So I can always look back and be reminded of these times.