Vacation Time

We are about to embark on a much anticipated trip for Thanksgiving.
As of 2 months ago this was not even close to a reality - but due to some circumstances my whole immediate family will be spending Thanksgiving holiday + a few days after together, in Boston, no less!!!! This trip could not come at a better time. I'm ready to get away from routine, focus on something joyful, and be blessed by my much-missed-family. My soul needs some "sister-time" and some "mom-time". I could not be more ready.
The 6 days we are gone will be filled, filled with eating good food, celebrating my grandfather's 90th birthday, seeing old friends, cousins running and playing, much talking and catching up, seeing lifetime friends - but mostly making memories.
In the Spring my mom and dad will head back to Ecuador, my sister will head to Spain with her family, and we will be spread across the map! So these moments that we get together are cherished more than ever before. I have 2 boys, my twin has 2 boys, and now my younger sister has 2 boys. (my parents have 6 grandboys 4 yrs old and under). And I cannot wait for them to all play together and enjoy each other.

Richard and I also get to celebrate our 6th Anniversary attending the church where we got married in! Who woulda thought that would happen??!?!?
It's a weekend that I am anticipating with much joy. I have 3 days to get ready - but I'm pacing myself and hoping the time goes quickly. :)

We leave Denver International Airport at 12:45 AM!!!!! thanksgiving morning - arriving in Boston at 8:30AM thanksgiving! Just in time for the celebration! Let's hope the boys sleep and we survive.

Why do bad things happen?

I don't know the answer to that question.
But i do know some things. This is a fallen world. We have hearts bent toward evil. My heart naturally runs away from God.
BUT GOD - being rich in Mercy, reached down, and sent his Son to pay for our sin, wiped my sins and heart clear, seated me as a child at the right hand of his throne, made me alive! Eph. 2

I know - that everything happens in this world under his control.
I know - that He never stops loving me
I know - that He cares for me, he comforts me
There is no other explanation to be able to endure things that happen.

I actively choose to trust completely in his care and guidance.
I know that his gift to me in this difficulty is a loving, self sacrificing, caring and wonderful husband. A community of believers in our church that love us, and care for us and help us. and family that cares and helps us.
I know that it's only through his comfort I can get through this.
I know and have never doubted the feeling of his love.

This is no easy ordeal to endure - but without the hope of God and his love, comfort, and saving grace - I am nothing and this is for nothing.

I trust completely in HIM and he alone sustains us. There is no other answer for me right now.

Things I've learned:

- I am much  more an emotional person than I thought. Emotions rush over me and overtake me often lately. I had to leave church today b/c I was overtaken suddenly by my emotions. Just crying - that's not like me. But my heart aches for my child. I had wanted to be pregnant so desperately for a few months, I wanted to celebrate and tell others and rejoice with new life inside me - but that was ripped from me so unexpectedly and it still really hurts.

-I am much more emotionally attached to motherhood than i thought. It is written on my heart to love my children. I didn't understand that strong bent that I had and the love that I have - and it took losing a child to realize that. 

-Children are a gift, and only a gift from God. I do not deserve them and he chooses which children I get to have and which ones I give back to him before I get to hold them. 

- God is with me through the ups and downs. He understands my heart. He is my father who cares for my soul and my emotions more than anyone else.

-I've learned a whole lot about grief and sorrow. Something I had never experienced before. And I've gained an entire new compassion and care for people. I can relate in a much deeper way - and I'm sure that will affect me the rest of my life

-I am a new person - God is molding me. I can sense his loving hand changing me to be a different, more caring, more loving, more compassionate person. I needed to be broken down so that I can feel things emotionally for others.

-I married a very good man, and didn't even know how good he was, but he has been such a gift to me. Richard loves me and shows me so much love. Which in turn makes me love him all the more. He understands me better than anyone. He has been so kind, patient, understanding and loving with me. And for that I'm so grateful.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may r

est upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 ESV)

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. (2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV)

Beautiful

As I move along in this life, I've learned a lot through my recent loss. God has completely molded me to a whole new person I feel. I understand so much more about sorrow and peace together.  Sometimes moving on, and going about daily normal tasks is just as hard as the beginning days of the "news". It's been a month now (well officially on Friday, but it has been 4 weeks) and I'm definitely one that remembers time like that. Each month that passes will be hard. I count days and weeks and time like my mom always did. Forever October 16th will be etched in my mind.

It doesn't feel easier to me yet, although to everyone it seems like it is. I go about all my normal daily things but inside I'm different and changed - and continuing on like normal is what makes it hard! I am not naturally an emotional person and don't feel emotion like a lot of my friends do - that is until now. I have been completely (almost) immobilized by my emotions recently. The whole wave of feelings rush over me with memories and pain and emotions so so vivid to me. It's hard to even explain.

I find myself clinging. Clinging to the promises of His goodness and love and faithfulness and sovereignty. They don't seem to be quite as evident now as they were initially - but they are still there. I choose to believe that the God who was with me the week of the miscarriage is still with me now! He is still with me to help me through the daily tasks, the responsibilities I have, the relationships that must carry on. Daily I CHOOSE to believe God and trust in him.

A friend (who has also been going through a similar very hard time almost exactly the same time frame as me. Her blog is here) had this stanza from a song posted.

Oh Grant me wisdom from above,

To pray for peace and cling to love,

And teach me humbly to receive 

The sun and rain of your sovereignty. 

Each strand of sorrow has a place

Within this tapestry of grace;

So through the trials I choose to say:

"Your perfect will in your perfect way." (Stuart Townend)

I think it's absolutely beautiful! I want to dwell on these phrases. I am daily seeking God's wisdom, praying for peace and clinging to his love! I want to always humbly receive both SUN and RAIN of his sovereignty. I love that each strand of sorrow has a place in God's tapestry of GRACE. And I've daily found myself CHOOSING to say "your perfect will in your perfect way! 

I document things like this here to encourage others. But also for my own benefit. So I can always look back and be reminded of these times. 

With fear of sounding too cliche, b/c I hate that

I write this post with a little hesitation (well come to think of it, I feel like i say that phrase a lot in my posts). I don't want to sound cliche and trite, and I also don't want to discourage people who have not experienced this in the same ways we have. (b/c I do believe it will look different in people's lives)  I hope others are encouraged to trust in an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God to take care of their daily needs.

Probably all of you know that for the past, oh probably, 8 months Richard's job has been very up and down as far as the amount of work provided and the amount of hours he is getting. We (but really mostly Richard since he bears the weight of providing for his family)  have struggled a lot with what we should. Should we look for another job? Should he try to find a second job or work harder at finding side jobs? Should I go back to work somehow? Should I advertise as a translator? ETC. He has recently been promoted to Project manager (essentially the second on the totem pole) in this new company which has potential to be very good for us if the company succeeds. But how long do we wait. It's a balance between patience and passivity that is really hard to define.

We knew for a fact just a few things. 1. God clearly lead us here to Colorado. 2. God clearly provided this job only a month after we got here. 3. We want to always keep our family's purpose to give to others and never hold back our money, food or possessions.(even in the midst of feeling like we don't have enough for ourselves)  4. Richard needed to still have time to devote to the church b/c that is the sole reason we moved out here!

So we prayed and tried to trust God to take care of us(but also being as wise as we could with what we spent)! Never before has our family been in such a time of need. Never before have we been pushed to these limits where the only answer is God. We felt like it before - but it seems to be getting worse. I look back when I was stressed our first two years married and laugh at myself. ha.
 We spent a few months pretty discouraged about it all, and things kept happening that would cost us more money! That's frustrating.
I am not even going to try to list all the many, many ways we have evidenced God's provision as a family! But all I can say is that he truly truly does take care of all our needs. He loves us as his sons and daughters and will provide.
The last two months have been the hardest financially for us also. Richard worked the fewest amount of hours he ever has in our whole married life and we had a crisis happen. But I am humbled to tears thinking back how things have worked out. Richard and I are literally humbled in our lack of faith b/c of how much God has given to us. The last two months specifically we have received monetary gifts of a rather large proportion from people we were totally not expecting or anticipating!  From little things like pumpkins on our door step to large checks or huge amounts of groceries, a paid trip to Boston to be able to be with family for Thanksgiving, dinners paid for or brought to us. little jobs here and there for Richard or myself that help with our monthly budget. And a pluthera of things in between.

I'm sitting here in awe of how good our God is. Why do I doubt? Why do I fret? I remember distinctly reading Matthew 6 a few months back and posting the verses and trying to meditate on them! Now they are such a reality.
I want to encourage you all out there - God will not let go of you! He will provide for you. It may not look like you want it to, or like it does for our family - but I promise he will take care of your "needs".
I wanted to document this so that in the future I can come back to it when I forget the huge reality of what it was like for our family. And even if God didn't provide in these ways for our family - I will still say that He is Good, He is faithful, and he loves us and is King over all.

What I've learned

Tomorrow morning marks three weeks since I lost my beloved baby. Wow - what a rollercoaster this has been. I can go from feeling like I can function again one day to an emotional wreck the next not being able to hardly talk with people.
I've never been so vulnerable and emotional before this event. And I have learned so much. God has taught me so much about loss and grief and hopefully given me so much more compassion for others.

Sometimes people don't know what to say and I am completely gracious to that fact. But if there is not a way to understand what I'm feeling, just tell me you love me and are feeling the sadness with me.
Sometimes the pain and grief feels discredited when others say things, so be very careful and mostly just listen to what the person needs to say and talk about.

How I feel through this whole thing is that I lost a baby! (not a pregnancy) One of my children will not be with us, ever! Getting pregnant again or being thankful for my two kids will never take away the pain of loss that I feel for one of my very own children. I have a child in Heaven, who is with our King, our loving Father, who understands God and is perfect. Something that is hard for me to even understand or comprehend. I will never be able to hold this child, or smell the newborn smell, or see the smiles or personality of this child.

Never have I questioned God, or his goodness or faithfulness to me, because through this whole process his love and faithfulness has been so evident to me, so clear, clearer than ever before. I don't know why he chose this path for me and I may never - but I want Him to be GLORIFIED through it, I want people to look to him through this process. But b/c of the fallen sinful world we live in - I feel loss and pain!
Something a friend said to me is that God grieves with me, he grieves for my loss with me. He is my father who loves me and hurts with me. That is comforting and I know from experience that is true.

I have put pressure on myself to get back to "normal". Richard was gracious to point out to me that there will have to be a new normal. I have said to him and others that I feel like a totally different person after going through an experience like this, I feel older in some way. So normal will HAVE to look different to me b/c I am a different person now. I learned last week the hard way, that I am not ready to jump into everything yet. Emotionally I am still too vulnerable. I've never been in a place before where I "can't handle" things. But through this experience God is teaching me to be humble, say no to things/people, and relying every day on his strength more than ever.

Everyone says "you can't put a timeline on these things" and even though I feel the pressure for some reason to have moved on by now from it, I do agree - you can't put a timeline on it.
Grief is such a subjective thing and I think everyone needs to realize it. So long as you are clinging to God's word, His character, His comfort and wisdom and leading - Grieving looks different for everyone. I cannot put expectations on myself, comparing me to other's circumstances or how other's handle similar situations. God has knit me with my emotions and feelings - and he allows me to deal with things differently. The psalmist grieved and had sorrow but still clung to God's love and faithfulness. Someone also told me "Talk to God, he is my father and he can handle my doubt and questioning or fears". He is with me! I truly believe he is walking me through this whole process. Some days recently I feel like I have to literally FIGHT for the faith and to FIGHT for his Grace! But HE has ALWAYS been faithful to me even in these recent days - he has always been there for me.
As life moves on and I look to the near future, accomplishing normal household tasks, going to social events, looking forward to holidays, planning things - I cling to God's goodness and kindness more than ever! I look to Him for my comfort b/c He alone understands me fully (he created me who I am). It's not easy, sometimes the thoughts of having lost a child overwhelms me almost to immobility - but with God's grace I take steps forward.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic - but writing things out and documenting things is a way for me to move on, to let go. To get back to normalcy. it's away for me to feel like it's not forgotten so I can move on.

Scripture that has helped me a lot recently among many more!

Psalm 90:14-16 Satisfy us in the Morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to your children.

Psalm 13: 5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD for he has been good to me.  (if you read the first part of this psalm the psalmist is questioning God forgetting him, asking how long will he sorrow - but ends it fighting for truth of the LIVING GOD)

Embrace The Camera

i don't do a post like this every week. but I love the idea and the concept. Go read about it here!  Then go and post your link HERE.

This week I decided to post the traditional Halloween ones! I will do a post about Halloween later with  more pics of their costumes. but here are a couple good ones of me and the boys.

It was a little crazy in Old Town and we had an extra baby
with us that we were watching
for the day! so
I was trying to keep everyone together
Richard snapped this -
but Good memory b/c I probably look like this
a lot for the boys :)

hopefully these people don't mind that we took random pictures in front of their house
Tried to block out any address etc
so no one can find them! :)
Let's pretend its our house
P.S. I love that carson cannot stand still! And Landon's mask
is all crooked. He loved the mask! :)

We had so much fun. We were all wiped out by the end of the day!!!! :) And now we have tons of candy in the house! :)