Sunday, June 9, 2013

What's in a date?

This week (wednesday to be exact) marks my official due date of my precious baby that I did not get to hold or see. Something goes for saying that this date is very significant to me. Even though the chances of my baby being born on that actual day are not high - it is still a time of deep sorrow. It's a date I've been dreading b/c I knew how emotional it would be for me. In fact just writing this I have tears streaming down my face!
The memories of extreme pain I felt in those first days, the thoughts of what could've been, the intense desire to know what my baby is like and hold my baby - those are all things that make this time memorable and worth mentioning. There has not been a day that goes by that I do not think of my baby about 20 times probably.  Even though now I operate like a normal person and am not physically affected by my loss - my heart and my mind are always thinking about my baby and tears are not too far behind, even though I most people don't realize that.
The world around me has completely moved on which I totally get and hold no grudge. But once a mother looses her dear child she will never forget.
I think the ending of this time frame for me is bitter sweet. Sweet because it's almost like a chance to start moving past this time in my life, and bitter because there's a huge part of me that never wants to let go, never wants to move on.
I realize more than ever the gift of Life, something I could never have appreciated so much without going through this trial. I am more than blessed and grateful to be expecting another child. This is a gift God chose to give me that some women never get to experience. I do not take it lightly. But that will never make me feel better about the loss of my precious babe. No matter what you say to me, that will never make me feel better.
Last Sunday and this Sunday during worship and the sermon I was brought to tears. Something I never really experienced before the last 9 months. But worshipping my God who has walked with me so closely and carried me through such dark times is so impactful to me. I'm brought to uncontrollable tears sometimes. My trust in a God who loves me and cares for me and my heart to worship Him have grown so much! May His name be glorified in this stage in my life.
We sang this song today at church and it is another one of my favorites for this time in my life. I cling to the words as I claim these truths.

"Cornerstone" by Hillsong

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

This weekend one of my dear dear friends that I have made since moving here, who understands me and cares about me, offered to watch the boys for us so Richard and I could get away for a night to just reflect, rest, pray together and have some quiet time. She knew this time would be difficult for me and blessed me beyond words. I don't know that she understands how much that meant to me and how much I will remember that kindness.

 One psalm that I have gone to many times and have marked in my bible is Psalm 27

Vs 5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

v. 13-14 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of theLord
in gthe land of the living!
14 hWait for the Lord;
ibe strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord

There is probably way better ways to say this, and way more I will wish I said later. But for now I leave post with you. Remember my precious Baby this week with me.


Trina Mayfield said...

I totally understand and feel this with you! To this day, we talk about your sister or brother who would have been 12 this year! You will always remember your baby but I understand this week you remember even more! Thinking of you and knowing that "all things work together for good to those who love God". Praying for you - - -

The Kurty Story; From my point of view said...

I will definitely be thinking of you this week and be praying for you. I can not know your pain and grief but I am always just a text/phone call away. I love you so much. I hope you can be encouraged this week. Thank you for sharing!!

Dad/Mom Kurty said...

Hi Jess--I saw the link to your blog site on FB today and read this post and the one about gender announcement. Congratulations on sharing the news of a developing baby boy. Either gender--life within you is is an unparalleled connection to the wonder of our Creator God who designed marital love, parenting, marriage and the amazing gift of new life. He can be trusted with what we cannot see and the questions we will one day have the answer to. I remember with you your unborn child and all the love he or she embodied. The greatest comfort in being a mother is to know that what you cannot provide for your child has been provided for with the blood of our suffering Savior, the gift of God's Son for yours, the gift of God himself for his creation. Sending our love to you and yours today!

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