I understand now what others went through before me - and how much I didn't understand when they were going through it. It's a sort of grieving/mourning something that you never actually had which is hard for others to understand.
The last 2 days I think have been the hardest. The finality of my baby has been harder to accept and dwell on even than the first news of what was happening. How am I supposed to move on? How do I just go about my schedule and daily life now after having experienced this grief? How do I go about my relationships after something like this happens?
I know that it will get easier with time and I cannot wait for the day that this is easier. But at the same time i don't want it to get easier, I want to always feel this deep grief for my baby and to not forget a single feeling that I have.
One thing I have thought over and over the last few days is how much my children are a gift from God. I had taken for granted the fact that I got pregnant so easily with each of them and that I have two healthy boys. B/c ultimately God chooses exactly when I get pregnant and he chooses whether I get to live with my babies or not. So I have gained an entirely new appreciation for my 2 boys.
How can one experience such sadness grief and pain but at the same time experience such peace and love and grace? The only explanation I can offer is that I have a God who is ordaining my path and who loves me and is pouring out grace on me. I have never been more thankful that this God reached down to this sinner, offered me forgiveness and made me his daughter and now is with me and walking with me through this path bestowing grace, peace and love.
This is a path that clearly God has chosen for me and I will always have this as part of my story. I will never forget this baby and I will live every day thinking about it.
Here are portions from a Psalm that I have found very comforting right now!
1.Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3. Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4. He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5. You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
9. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10. no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11. For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12. they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
14. “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15. He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16. With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”