Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
My labor was everything a labor should be, but in my experience rarely is. I labored at home for a good part of it, in fact all the beginning labor. I only had to be in the hospital laboring for about 5 hrs which is very ideal. And despite my pleadings for a c-section to end it all or my begging for an epidural I managed to push him out with no medication. Richard kept telling me during the labor that I would feel so much better without that stuff. And he was right. Although if labor lasted any longer I don't know that I would've agreed with him. Nothing can describe the feeling of pushing a baby out and your wonderful baby being placed on you immediately for you to ENJOY!!!! and for as much time as you like. (You see I never experienced this with my other two children). That moment that you have with your baby and your husband is magical and indescribable.
Peyton is truly my gift from God. I know that about my other two - but after the last 2 years I understand and really "KNOW" that Peyton is exactly who God chose for our family and for me as my son!!!!!! and we love him to pieces
You see God has taught me more than I can even begin to type here in this blog post. I have experienced an array of things when it comes to child-bearing. I have had an emergency c-section. I have experienced a preemie baby and the "joys" of a NICU stay, not being able to hold your baby, or feed your baby for days and leaving the hospital without your baby. I have gone through the terribly horrifying news that my baby died inside my body and God chose to take my baby before I got to meet him/her. I have also experienced the wonderful joy of a "perfect" labor and delivery peaceful and calm. I have nursed two perfectly healthy babies and also had the stress and helplessness of not being able to provide what your baby needs and then giving him formula. Now I'm not saying I have been through it all, or that I understand everyone's situations or emotions, or even come remotely close to knowing everything - I'm saying quite the opposite. These few experiences have taught me that we are not in control of life. That God is directing each of our lives even in these things. Some things for people go so smoothly and how they want -others have to face reality that "ideal" isn't very common. And the thing I have learned most in my measly 4 1/2 yrs of motherhood is that motherhood is hard and confusing and very intricate. We are trying our best in our situation at that stage of life to chose and do what is best for our family b/c we love them more than words can say and more than we ever imagined possible. We don't know other's situations/emotions or everything that played into how their life is - so we cannot judge. Let's instead encourage and uplift each other even in all of our differences and variations of this whole thing called LIFE!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
It was a late Saturday morning after Thanksgiving.
We were married in Boston in the Fall and it was a perfect Fall day.
We have a great engagement story, we have a lot of fun trips we've taken, and romantic stories to tell.
But we also have the "boring", the mundane parts of our life. We have the going to work every day, kids around us all the time, busy with church things and maintaining life.
We have the difficult. We have the hard and the choosing to love. We have the grief, loneliness from moves, financial difficulties.
As we celebrated 7 years of life together we were able to get away from the 3 kiddos and enjoy a great meal and some quiet conversation. (thanks to my mom who took care of the 3 boys) In our talking and reflecting I am just so amazed at how things turn out. There are things about Richard that I love and am so thankful for that when I married him I had no idea was a part of him. There were things that bugged me so much when we were first married that now I love b/c it is a part of who he is. We have lived enough time together and established our lives and family enough now that I love who we are as a couple.
I love how committed Richard is to me. Right now we are in the thick of "emotional wife". And he makes an effort to say "goodbye Beautiful" to me when he leaves for work each morning. And let me tell you - 3 weeks out from having a baby, in the throes of trying to figure out nursing - I am not looking my best. But I know that he is by my side - that he cherishes me.
I wonder what joys and sorrows and trials and fun times the next 7 years will bring.
Love you Richard!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
November 6th, 2013 at 7:17pm Peyton Glenn came into the world weighing 7lbs 4oz, 20.5 inches long. He is absolutely perfect and we are ecstatic.
3:30am Wednesday morning my water broke (as it has with all my babies) and labor kicked in right away. I labored at home until about 10am. Went into my midwives office and was checked. At that time was about 2 centimeters dilated. Decided to kill some time so we went to a park and dilly- dallied doing things to keep my mind off labor as much as possible. We decided to head to hospital around 2:30ish pm. At the hospital I labored for about 5hrs. There was plenty of talk of starting pitocin to get labor moving faster along, since I already had ruptured membranes, and plenty of talk about how I couldn't do it anymore wanting an epidural. In the end thankfully the last 4 centimeters to dilate went pretty fast and I made it through without needing that medicine.
I am feeling great and very relieved and so thankful for God's help and strength and Grace. But mostly that all of that is behind me.
For now I'm enjoying my precious baby and loving him so much
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
October 16 is a date I will forever remember. Many will not - but it will always be etched in my mind. This early stages of fall have been a big time of reflection for me. Fall (as it is with most people) has always been my favorite time of year. Last year I feel like the happiness that comes with Fall was ripped from me. As I go about our lives and events this year I am constantly thinking that last year I was pregnant at this time, with a child I would not be able to carry for long and never be able to meet. A part of Richard and I that we will never get to meet on this earth. There is a dark cloud over most of the memories from last fall.
A year ago tomorrow I found out that God had different plans than I would ever choose for one of my children and despite how I was torn into pieces it was for My good and His Glory. This blog has been a place for me to be open and share our story as a family and I have been honest with how going through losing a child has affected me.
As I stand back and evaluate things I can only say that I am blessed. I distinctly remember in the early stages of grieving those first few months wondering if I would ever feel the healing, longing to be at this stage now; knowing I would feel better about it and not be as shaken by this reality. And now I'm standing here and for all of you who are in the depths of this tragedy I want to encourage you and say that the LORD does bring healing and joy and peace in Him. It feels good to finally have made it to "the year mark" and I once again feel strong and myself.
When I say "I am myself" I more adequately mean that I feel human again. Because the "Self" that I once was has been completely changed. Where once I boasted in my non-emotionalism to things, now I find myself hardly making it through a worship service without tears streaming down my face. I am emotional about my God and his holiness and his love towards me after experiencing these characteristics in such a deep way, and worship has a way of making that clearer than ever. I care about other's emotions so much more. I am so much more aware of other's situations and hurts and cares and I am moved inside to be a comfort to them.
Another huge thing I've learned is to value life, especially life given to me whether my own or my children's, so much more. I don't take for granted these things. God ultimately has a plan and path for each one of us, especially regarding our own families. I have learned that we do not deserve it. He works according to his perfect plan advancing his Kingdom. Even the gender of babies that we desire is His ultimate choice. I love my boy's more deeply and strive to be a good mother more than I did before I lost my precious child.
And so this week as I stand in reflection I want people to know what God has taught me, how I've changed, and for those of you in the midst of it to have hope that God can heal your heart.
I am weeks away from giving birth to another child and this is the path that God has chosen for me. I am more than thankful for this new life after losing a child. I am thankful, grateful and humbled He allowed me to get pregnant and have a baby around the same time of year to sort of "redeem" the fall again for me, to bring new happiness to a time when I was saddened to the core. I will always long for the day I can meet my child, and I will always remember. My child is forever a part of who I am but my heart has healed so much. I still cry and grieve but ultimately God has taken me under his wings and shown me His Great Love.