The memories of extreme pain I felt in those first days, the thoughts of what could've been, the intense desire to know what my baby is like and hold my baby - those are all things that make this time memorable and worth mentioning. There has not been a day that goes by that I do not think of my baby about 20 times probably. Even though now I operate like a normal person and am not physically affected by my loss - my heart and my mind are always thinking about my baby and tears are not too far behind, even though I most people don't realize that.
The world around me has completely moved on which I totally get and hold no grudge. But once a mother looses her dear child she will never forget.
I think the ending of this time frame for me is bitter sweet. Sweet because it's almost like a chance to start moving past this time in my life, and bitter because there's a huge part of me that never wants to let go, never wants to move on.
I realize more than ever the gift of Life, something I could never have appreciated so much without going through this trial. I am more than blessed and grateful to be expecting another child. This is a gift God chose to give me that some women never get to experience. I do not take it lightly. But that will never make me feel better about the loss of my precious babe. No matter what you say to me, that will never make me feel better.
Last Sunday and this Sunday during worship and the sermon I was brought to tears. Something I never really experienced before the last 9 months. But worshipping my God who has walked with me so closely and carried me through such dark times is so impactful to me. I'm brought to uncontrollable tears sometimes. My trust in a God who loves me and cares for me and my heart to worship Him have grown so much! May His name be glorified in this stage in my life.
We sang this song today at church and it is another one of my favorites for this time in my life. I cling to the words as I claim these truths.
"Cornerstone" by Hillsong
This weekend one of my dear dear friends that I have made since moving here, who understands me and cares about me, offered to watch the boys for us so Richard and I could get away for a night to just reflect, rest, pray together and have some quiet time. She knew this time would be difficult for me and blessed me beyond words. I don't know that she understands how much that meant to me and how much I will remember that kindness.
One psalm that I have gone to many times and have marked in my bible is Psalm 27
There is probably way better ways to say this, and way more I will wish I said later. But for now I leave post with you. Remember my precious Baby this week with me.