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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Does Time Heal?

This is something I've contemplated a lot recently. I believe that Time does heal to an extent. Moving on (getting on with life and a schedule again), healing physically and being able to rest normally once again are all ways that the mind and body heal. But I do believe that nothing will take away the hurt or pain - it will dull but it will always hurt.
It's been three months since I received the news that I was losing my precious tiny baby inside me. All my hopes to share with everyone that we were going to have another child, the excitement I felt to grow our family and share the news with friends were dashed to the ground in the the saddest way.
No one can understand the feelings and emotions a mother goes through as she faces the reality that her body can not sustain her baby's life and God is choosing to glorify himself through taking this tiny baby back to him. It's something so personal that really only a mother experiences and so many other's do not have the capacity to understand. I didn't even understand at all when a few of my close friends/family experienced a miscarriage  There's no way to understand, and it's not anyone's fault. So many things in life are this way - it's just how it is. But that doesn't take away the fact that it is a lonely road for a mom who loses her baby so little.
Some days 3 months seems so long ago and other days 3 months feels like it was just yesterday and the pain and memories and emotions are so fresh and real. I wonder "how long will it be before I don't break down in tears when talking about it to other people, how long until it doesn't hurt my heart anymore". (btw- for anyone wondering - I don't mind crying in front of you - I don't mind you asking me and if you're ok with it - I probably will cry - but that's how I heal!)  Just about every Sunday in Church as we sing I am in tears still. I don't know why - mostly b/c it's emotional i guess. Singing about God's unfailing love for me, that he gave his son to die and take away my sins has a whole new meaning to me. Singing words of praise to Him and how glorious he is - all those types of songs just fill me with emotion and I cry every worship service. I, in a way, hope that doesn't go away. My eyes have been opened to a new level with my relationship with my God.
It's been 3 months and there have been many other friends announcing they are pregnant or have given birth to their babies in that time. I'm so happy for them - but my emotions go through roller coaster rides. I'm sincerely so happy and excited for them. But as they experience extreme joy and happiness - my extreme sadness and loss is emphasized and heightened to me. I'm "supposed" to be sharing in that joy and others are supposed to be happy for me - but instead -  my loss is not acknowledged and I feel extremely sad.
I can't help but see God's wondrous loving hand holding mine, walking with me through the trials. It's been extremely comforting to know that he understands my heart and to physically see that he has taken me through this road. He is the God of all Comfort - He endured the worst human suffering possible (death on a cross taking the sins of all people) so that he could understand human pain. He gives me strength to get through the days. He literally holds me as my heart hurts but I must congratulate that new mother and her baby, or that friend with a new life inside of her. He has literally empowered me with his Spirit - and I'm ok. I have made it through - b/c He loves me and holds me and gives me the strength.
So my friends - I'm doing well. I have rough days and I still cry pretty easily. But I have a great husband who loves me and I am loved by the King of the World who is redeeming everything to his kingdom. And I will strive to  keep my eyes set on HIM.


3 comments:

The Kurty Story; From my point of view said...

Wow!!! I have no words. You expressed yourself well, giving God all the glory but making your emotions real! Thank you!! I love ya, Twin, FOREVER and ALWAYS!!

Jeanette said...

thank you for the update. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you and pray for you often.
so blessed to hear of how this has benefitted you spiritually! It is an encouragement and inspiration to me. :)

Trina Mayfield said...

Glad to hear that you are healing. I know the invisible scar will always be there, but the pain will be less. Of that, I am sure!! I love you!

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