That moment when I lay my head down on my pillow and hope to fall asleep and wash away the tiredness of the day
That moment when the brain starts racing and thinking through every conversation or action of the day. Exhaustion, guilt, regret, feelings of insecurities, and wondering if I'm doing this all right come rushing in at once to my tired mind. In that moment I realize - did I ever once say "i love you" to those wonderful little boys? Did I ever speak of Jesus and his gift to us, or God and his love to us in the entire day of conversations with them? Did I yell at them too much? did I say "no" too much? How do I get my 3 year old to stop repeating his questions a million miles a minute without listening to my answers? How do i get him to understand not to interrupt adult conversation? How do I get my 22 month old to stop imitating everything his older brother does even after I say "no"? Am i doing this all right? Will they be messed up forever? in that moment I realize how selfish I have been acting towards my husband, how much I expect to be treated a certain way. GUILT - REGRET
Then that moment in voicing all this to my wonderful husband - and he prays - and thanks God for the Grace that is poured out on us! That forgiveness for our mistakes. That unconditional love that I don't deserve. The amazing grace poured out. No matter my failures God is bigger than them! He can redeem my children! I can start fresh tomorrow and moment after moment depend on his strength and patience. I don't have to do it all "right" God is bigger than my efforts. He makes my wrongs, right! He loves me despite my poor parenting and despite my selfishness in my relationship with my husband. And that makes me ready to honor him, to beg Him for help to love my family selflessly, not expecting anything in return. To respond in grace and to have wisdom in handling discipline issues with my children.
And that moment that I fall sleep peacefully on my pillow - trusting a loving, redeeming God to use my life for his praise and glory.
And I thank HIM! I enjoy HIM!
I fail him often and am fighting these feelings and doubts daily - but I enjoy HIM, my Family, and Life!