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Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm growing

I've been debating what to write for a while regarding this issue. I want to be honest with people but at the same time I would hate for someone to take me the wrong way, think I'm depressed, or that I just think my life is so hard when in reality I am blessed. So I've been debating. I sincerely hope this comes across the right way  . . .

This week we had the opportunity to tell the story of how we got here in detail to a man in our church who came for supper one night. I again was reminded of just how awesome it is to see God working out details and leading/guiding us in our journey to The Crossing. From Richard not getting a job at the seminary, to work slowing down, to being able to graduate with a Masters, to our trip to CO and being able to attend the Conference in in Fort Collins in June, to randomly coming in contact with Gary Mcquinn (pastor at The Crossing), to truck breaking down, to bed bugs kicking us out of PA (yes, we had bed bugs in the last apartment and I neglected writing about it for fear of everything thinking we were gross, maybe I will have to write about it another time, and we don't think we brought them with us, at least not yet), and I'm sure there are  few more things that I forgot - it is SO CLEAR to us that God brought us here! Even in details like books Richard had read and how God was moving in our hearts and minds and challenging us, but also showing himself faithful with answering our questions and evidently guiding our paths. All of these things are such an encouragement to me, and I have to constantly remind myself of all these things and think on Truth.

We could not be more content in this church. (not to say we didn't love the church we moved from, but again, God has a purpose for everything). Since we've gotten here it's been amazing to see how perfect the timing is for the church itself of us coming. They are growing so fast, and need help and we are wanting to be helpers.  The Crossing is so refreshing - they are growing and desiring so much to preach the gospel to the people who need it, to show the love of Christ to everyone and they are doing it, the church is growing. The leadership has purpose and goals and they are lovingly guiding their flock. They are forming "community" with each other as a church body - but also reaching out to the unsaved. And it is amazing! They just started Life Groups (small groups) and we have been so encouraged by it, and look forward to finding our group of close believers to walk through this life together. They also, this Saturday, just launched their first ever Leadership training program called Porterbrook. A great "curriculum" that teaches theology so practically, and Richard and I both have the privilege of attending and growing and being challenged with that and we are excited, the Leadership of the church is excited and the Church body is excited! It's exciting times right now. (did I use the word "exciting" enough in that paragraph - do you get my drift? )

But it's not been without it's emotional difficulty and this is where I hope I'm not misunderstood. I had good friends in PA, friends that I will cherish forever! I was comfortable in PA and my boys were comfortable and they had friends. Richard had a job and we were making it every month financially. We had routine and a "normal" life. We were busy with things - but we were comfortable.
Now I wake up each morning with "nothing to do", in a sense. What is my purpose? Who will my friends be? My boys are adjusting well, but it's not been without their struggles. It breaks my heart to hear Carson ask for his friends and cousins. And he doesn't understand when I say they are too far away. ( I know he will be fine, but it still breaks my heart). They have had their days of crankiness that can be attributed to being uprooted. I hear/see my friends moving on with their lives while I feel like I'm at a standstill. That is hard for me to be "ok" with. I crave for that sweet friendship again. I want to understand these people and I want them to understand me - but I'm not there yet. As a woman I think this is all normal. I don't know where my place is right now. . .
It's easy to worry about how we are going to make it, to worry how we will pay rent next month, to wonder how long it will be before Richard is working.
We don't have a daily routine and I can sense that. I am a creature of habit - and we don't have a habit developed yet. Richard is awkwardly home all day. (I know there are many out there that would give anything in the world for that, so I'm not complaining about that at all!) but it causes tension when he wants/needs to be providing for us. We are at the hands of someone else who is supposed to call us back. This is hard for me to handle all the time.
I can be completely fine with it most of the time, and be trusting God a lot of the time - but I'm human and sometimes i worry. sometimes I get selfish and want people to reach out to me or get feeling sorry for myself and think no one likes me. Maybe yesterday was my breaking point and that's why I feel the need to write this out.

Tonight we were at a small group - and we heard the testimony of an elderly couple and their journey through life and how God has been faithful to them and how excited they are about "living life" with us and helping us and encouraging us to walk closer with God (us meaning the whole group). How refreshing for me! How wonderful to put my life into perspective. God is making history with me, and this time in my life is only a period. It won't be forever and we will have a story to tell others one day of God's faithfulness to us. you've heard me say this before and I will say it again "everything in my life is here to teach me patience" and this season in life is no exception. God is shaping me and I am thankful for that, I am growing and that's right where I'm supposed to be.

There is probably so much more I could keep writing about - but it is already too long and most of you have probably not even read this far in the post. So I will just end it - but leave you with these verse that I've tried to meditate on throughout the days when my mind wants to focus on my "hardships".

Psalm 27:13-14 "I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 28:7 "The LORD is my strength, and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song"


Dwija {House Unseen} said...

You know I know just how you feel, sweetie. I'm praying that a sweet couple at your church reaches out to you and you become fast friends!

Trina Mayfield said...

It was so good to read how you express all these feelings! I did read to the END and what a great way to finish it - with those verses! Praying for you and I know, from experience, that in about a month, you will be overjoyed with how the Lord took you through this time! LOVE YOU - - -

Michelle said...

I'm praying for you Jess, CONSTANTLY! You are always in my mind :)

I understand how hard life is right now (and yes, you came across THANKFUL and BLESSED for what you've been given/gone through). Hang in there! And remember, it's OK to cry and eat things that are completely unhealthy...LOL!

I love reading about your makes me feel close to you! I may not always comment, but I read EVERY post you write :) :) :)

Sending hugs and kisses your way!!!

Tiff said...

Thanks for sharing. I've been feeling the same way since our move to Florida. So glad that God is our strength! Praying for you!

Team Worth said...

What a great post! Continue to trust the Lord Jess. Sounds like He's made it clear that you are where He wants you :). How awesome!

The Kurty Story; From my point of view said...

Wow, This made me cry and love you so much. You did an excellent job of expressing yourself(I'm not sure why you worry about that cuz i think you are one of the best people at coming across right and communicating how you feel)!! It is wonderful to hear about what you are learning and how God continues to work in your life! I read to the end:-) Love ya!!

jeileenbaylor said...

Oh my word - I totally get this! That is just how I am feeling right now. I know you said that you felt the same way with uprooting your family and that you were praying for us. So now I can think if you when I am struggling too and stop to pray for you dear friend. I'll pray that God will settle you all in and bring you dear close close friends!

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