October 16 is a date I will forever remember. Many will not - but it will always be etched in my mind. This early stages of fall have been a big time of reflection for me. Fall (as it is with most people) has always been my favorite time of year. Last year I feel like the happiness that comes with Fall was ripped from me. As I go about our lives and events this year I am constantly thinking that last year I was pregnant at this time, with a child I would not be able to carry for long and never be able to meet. A part of Richard and I that we will never get to meet on this earth. There is a dark cloud over most of the memories from last fall.
A year ago tomorrow I found out that God had different plans than I would ever choose for one of my children and despite how I was torn into pieces it was for My good and His Glory. This blog has been a place for me to be open and share our story as a family and I have been honest with how going through losing a child has affected me.
As I stand back and evaluate things I can only say that I am blessed. I distinctly remember in the early stages of grieving those first few months wondering if I would ever feel the healing, longing to be at this stage now; knowing I would feel better about it and not be as shaken by this reality. And now I'm standing here and for all of you who are in the depths of this tragedy I want to encourage you and say that the LORD does bring healing and joy and peace in Him. It feels good to finally have made it to "the year mark" and I once again feel strong and myself.
When I say "I am myself" I more adequately mean that I feel human again. Because the "Self" that I once was has been completely changed. Where once I boasted in my non-emotionalism to things, now I find myself hardly making it through a worship service without tears streaming down my face. I am emotional about my God and his holiness and his love towards me after experiencing these characteristics in such a deep way, and worship has a way of making that clearer than ever. I care about other's emotions so much more. I am so much more aware of other's situations and hurts and cares and I am moved inside to be a comfort to them.
Another huge thing I've learned is to value life, especially life given to me whether my own or my children's, so much more. I don't take for granted these things. God ultimately has a plan and path for each one of us, especially regarding our own families. I have learned that we do not deserve it. He works according to his perfect plan advancing his Kingdom. Even the gender of babies that we desire is His ultimate choice. I love my boy's more deeply and strive to be a good mother more than I did before I lost my precious child.
And so this week as I stand in reflection I want people to know what God has taught me, how I've changed, and for those of you in the midst of it to have hope that God can heal your heart.
I am weeks away from giving birth to another child and this is the path that God has chosen for me. I am more than thankful for this new life after losing a child. I am thankful, grateful and humbled He allowed me to get pregnant and have a baby around the same time of year to sort of "redeem" the fall again for me, to bring new happiness to a time when I was saddened to the core. I will always long for the day I can meet my child, and I will always remember. My child is forever a part of who I am but my heart has healed so much. I still cry and grieve but ultimately God has taken me under his wings and shown me His Great Love.
