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Monday, March 14, 2011

You ever have one of those weeks?

You know - where you look back and wonder what happened? Starting out this week, I feel like I'm in a whole different stage of life than I was starting out last week, and I never would've thought I would've been here.
Last week, I was looking forward to all the apts I had to go to, so that I could get out of the house, and Landon was turning 6 Months old, which is a happy time for me. At his check up appointment, i get the sad news that what I feared was true. The same thing had happened with my milk that did with Carson And then the WIC apt confirmed it too. I had always wondered if it was just me or the fact that I didn't try hard enough.
So without feeling like I need to give too much explanation (which I do feel like I need to defend myself for some reason) I have quit nursing Landon. I know my own body and know that I did do all I could. I don't feel like I'm a quiter. (if you saw the sorta of trouble I went through with Carson, and the pain I had for the length I have it both times nursing, I think you would agree). Landon was a much better nurser, I drink way more water than the average person, and gave him way less bottles, and started cereal later, and nursed more often - and yet, the same thing happened with my milk. I think it really is my body not being able to produce for longer than 5-6 months. (when I pump it is very waterery, almost see through :( ) For some reason my body can only produce good milk until about 5 months ish, and then I notice it decreasing, both babies stop gaining weight, and pumping does not help, eating correctly does not help, and nursing more did not help. :(
It was harder to stop this time. Maybe b/c Landon liked nursing more and it did phase him. We both had a few rough days at the end of last week. I think we are doing better now though.
It's sorta sad to me that that phase of my life is over with for now. (I never thought I would say that). I guess it's just another sign that my babies are getting older.
Richard worked a lot too, so I was home by myself more than normal (which is not good for me :( )
But you know - at the end of it all - the devastation in Japan brought me back to reality. I have been so blessed. How can I complain about things when I am sitting in a comfortable house, with my 2 children, and I can provide for them. Also what brought me back from "feeling sorry for myself" - God loves me more than I can ever imagine, He is always God and God is always good to me, and b/c of him I have salvation to live in eternity with him - I need to live my daily life in light of these facts and not how I feel or what is happening with my kids that day(screaming or laughing).

4 comments:

Ani said...

Cyber hug Jess! I understand the feeling of needing to defend yourself (been there) but you've done your best with what God has given you. That's all He asks for. :) It is amazing how much we have all been blessed, which is especially apparent when we consider Japan. Thanks for the reminder!

kellyH said...

I've been there too! I worry about whether the same thing will happen again for me with Eden, but if it does, we KNOW there's nothing we can do! praise God you were able to do it this long as many moms can't or don't. I also remember it being so bittersweet when I nursed G for the last time. makes me appreciate nursing a lot more this time around, though I certainly still don't love love it. :)

Alyssa said...

Oh Jess! I feel your pain. All I wanted when Ethan was born was to nurse and I couldn't get him to nurse. My sister nursed like it was the most natural thing and she produced enough milk for 2 or 3 babies! I couldn't even produce enough for Ethan! I tried pumping and supplementing for 10 weeks but I was wore out! That's like double feeding. You're not a failure at all. It's more important that Landon be healthy and nourished. I'm sure he'll still enjoy cuddle time with you.

Trina Mayfield said...

Oh Jess, you are definitely not a quitter because I was there when it was so difficult for you and you really did stick to it! I am a witness to that! And, if it makes you a bad mother, then I must be really bad because I didn't even nurse! So, it really has NOTHING to do with that and later in life, it really won't even be significant! Keep being the great mother that you already ARE!!!! I LOVE YOU!

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